Reader, writer, music lover, library nerd, mother and wife. I have big dreams with little time and no funds to pull them off. Join me as I try to dream my way through adulthood.
'Get busy living or get busy dying' Stephen King
The pressure of his thumbs working into her shoulders felt divine. The weight of his fingers curling over her collar bone pulled the stress of the day away. She closed her eyes and sighed enjoying the moment, breathing in the smell of the outdoors that he brought with him. Each mirrored circle moving up her neck was bliss pulling a smile at the corner of her lips.
"Better?" he whispered into her ear.
"Mmmmm" was all she could muster as he started to trail kisses down her jaw line. "But now I know this will all end soon."
"Why?" he asked, confusion laced in his voice.
"Because I have wished for this so many times. Coveted those hands, lingered over those lips so many times. But I will never actually feel the relief like this." She sighed, water lacing her lashes threatening to over spill to her cheek. She almost wished it would then her would wipe it away tenderly like he always did. "You are just a dream my love, nothing more. A fantastical and wonderful illusion that I will wake up from shortly"
"Are you sure about that?" he enquired with a twinkle in his eye that she had never seen before, he usually just looked as sad as she did. Her dreams were getting cruel.
"Pretty sure. When I close my eyes you'll disappear and this will never have happened, except in my heart"
"Try it and see then, but lets hope the temptation to tickle you when you have your eyes closed is not too great"
So with a deep breath she looked deep into his ice blue eyes, lingering on the tiny dark flecks and closed her eyes allowing the tear to slide down her cheek...
Ok we all have these inner demons. And fighting is them is bloomin exhausting! So why the heck do we do it? Why keep fighting? Why not just roll over and let them win? I mean for me the worst it would mean is going to work (at at job I love, 99% of the time), coming home and chilling with a book or the tv, spending some time with my kids and maybe getting some time to do the housework. How is that scenario so bad?
image from morgueFile
It really isn't, however if I fight my demons for just one moment, if I decide to live that big adventure then life can be like this...
In those glimpses when you conquer a demon, even temporarily, life can feel infinite!
That's why I keep fighting. For that leap in my heart when I finish a story, good or not its complete and it came from me. Right now my heart is leaping, so here's to a completed story and here's to feeling infinite.
Here is my song to feel infinite to today. It was glorious driving with the windows down today, the sun was shining and this song was perfect. I defy you not to want to dance around the room to this song. But what is your song to feel infinite to?
I try most days to face them, as I'm sure most of us do, but lately I find myself escaping into various fantasy worlds. Absorbing the words of other authors, book after book every spare moment just to escape. Avoid the housework, sidestep those nagging demons that weigh inside.
Today was a day I set out to face them, and I failed miserably again. I gave one particularly ugly looking and abusive demon a sideways glance but then ran in the opposite direction. His weaker brother I managed to face. I kicked him in the goolies and even though he distracted me from the sidelines a blog post was written, not as eloquently as I would have liked but a seemingly insurmountable hurdle at one point was overcome. I wonder though how long it will be before he is back to full strength?
One demon though shocked me with the ferocity of it's attack. A once caged and bound beast that broke free of its bonds to strike today, knocking me flat and pinning me to the floor. The only problem being, this demon is one I really don't mind pinning me to the floor even though I know in my heart of hearts its truly no good for me.
I need to remember the days when I dreamt of being a Slayer, defeating the things that haunted me. Back then things were simple, back then I wasn't fighting myself!
How do you fight your inner demons? Can you ever free yourself of them or does another rise as fast as you cut one down?
We read stories every day packed full of hero's. Watch films hoping for the hero to prevail. How often have we been asked who our hero's are?
Once of a day I would have answered that question with a person. Not particularly because of that person but because of what they stood for, their fight for the greater good.
Mandela was a symbol of something for me for a long time and I mourned with everyone else when he died. But I realised recently that as much as I admired him for all he did in his life I no longer think of him as my hero. I've been wondering if this is a consequence of growing older; 'another year older, another year wiser' and all that. Or does it have more to do with everything I went through last year? Maybe I will never truly know the reason but for me more regular people have become my hero's.
So how is it that you, yes you, could potentially be my hero? Well, there is a possibility you could save my life. You see I have a blood condition similar to Hemophilia where I don't clot very well. Little bumps and cuts aren't so bad but bigger things or operations require medical attention and often blood products. Most of my life I have seen this as an inconvenience; yearly check-ups and nothing to report. But recently things have changed. I have come to see the importance of the small acts of heroism that everyone is capable of that could save my life or that of the person stood next to me. Those small parts of themselves given selflessly for others. These people, Blood Donor's, are my heros....you are my hero and thank you!
So who is your hero? Have your perspectives changed at all? Have a listen to this and let me know.
And if you can, read the book before you see the film, one of those books I couldn't put down recently!!
I have been thinking about music a lot lately. It has such a key role in my life (like you'd never guess from my posts) that when I had a conversation with my Other Half a few weeks ago and it turns out that music doesn't really affect him that much, it really shocked me. I don't know why it did, I mean obviously not everyone has the same interests but the fact he didn't even have a go to song when he needed a pick me up...I just couldn't comprehend that!
Music means so many different things to me, I can't understand the 'it's just something to listen to' mentality. I'm sorry if you fall into this category, if the lyrics float over your head and never really connect with your emotions or the thumping bass has never caught in your chest making you feel the beat in your core. No truly I am really sorry because to me music is something that can calm me, it can pick me up, it can move me to tears as easily as it can make me smile and if it doesn't affect you in any of these ways I don't know what to say. I'll just try to sum it up as best I can the only way I can.
For me it's the songs that you cried to as a teenager or the anthem you pumped out to make you feel stronger.
My Anthem!
The songs filled with memories; the ones from our wedding, the song that was playing when munchkin number two was born (there were too many drugs involved with munchkin one to be totally sure!)
Munchkin number two's arrival
Lyrics that mark the end of an era and the start of a new one, packed with memories of someone I miss tonnes.
I was exactly where I needed to be!
Would I have made it through last year without a group of amazing friends who helped me when time were tough? Probably not, and you guessed it there is a song for that too. Every time it comes on I think of them and how grateful I am they are in my life, every time one of us is in need we are there for each other...we're not brothers we are sisters but the sentiment is the same!
Because sometimes we need reminding we are not alone!
Then there is the album that will forever be linked to munchkin one and her first rock concert. The moments and the songs that we shared that will be brought back every time those songs are played. The look of awe and amazement on her face, the huge balloons, the shock form those around us that a kid, a girl at that, could like music like this. I'll admit that I was in my 20's before I got to a decent concert and in my 30's before I got the feeling of being shoulder to shoulder bouncing to the beat and getting lost in the music along with those around you. I am glad my children will have had a chance at that sooner, it is one of the best experiences in the world.
Not my favourite on the album but the first song played so special memories!
Finally there is the huge role that music plays in my writing, even my reading to a certain extent - as my writing group can tell you I have been know to attach songs or even playlists to characters or story/books that I have read....I make no apologies for what my brain does in it's spare time! I have said before that I am very visual with writing and pictures lead to inspiration, well the same can be said of music too. Songs and lyrics lead to characters, scenes, plot twists and lines of poetry even at the most inconvenient moment half way down the motorway!
What is music to me? My memories, my characters, my friends, my tears and my escape. I went to a 30 Seconds to Mars concert in November which was great, but I'm telling you because at it Jared Leto dedicated a song at one point to anyone who had ever used music or been to a gig as a way to escape. It will make sense when you listen to this last song that I am going to leave you with, it is one of my favourites of the moment....no matter what Get Back Up!!!
So while you listen to this one, what is music to you?
I always wish for a 'Happy' New Year and sincerely wish others one but in reality I'm always just glad I have survived the year. This year in particular seems to have been a 'roll on next year' kind of year. And if I was superstitious I may have made the 13 connection a little sooner than September!
My very good friend Caitlyn had me in stitches with a post packed full of memes check it out here but I have to say this one is my favourite, it popped up on Pintrest and Facebook and is just funny!!
We all do it every year and I will be doing it again this year but on reviewing last years 'rules to live by' I can confirm I tank at living up to them!! I think it is just human nature to constantly need for a fresh start...a do-over, and what better time than the beginning of a New Year? After all it comes around every twelve months, its just after most of us have finished stuffing ourselves and being overly decadent.
One thing I am very thankful for this New Years Eve is a suggestion made by my Other Half this time last year. I don't know where he saw the idea, how or why he came to make the suggestion that our family set up this tradition, but after a year of hospitalisations, bullying and other general crappiness I am so glad that he did. Our little family has spent the year trying to focus on the good things and every time something good has happened we've written it on a piece of paper and put it in a jar. Then tonight we can look back and remember that this year wasn't actually that bad a year, we can refill on happiness and repeat next year. It might sound a little corny but I am seriously shocked at how full the jar actually got this year. I'm sure we will have forgotten to put some things in there but we'll get better at it next year....see a resolution!
1. I resolve to live a healthier lifestyle (yeah right! I have been attempting this for as long as I have been aware of resolutions but maybe this is the year, right?!)
2. I resolve to listen to my body and give it a break sometimes (because that didn't go so well in 2013!)
3. I resolve to write more, including finish the first draft of something novel length.
4. I resolve to actually do some of the things on my to do list like go walking, have fun with my kids, read more, have fun with guerrilla art, watch more films, spend more time with friends (basically never sleep but what the hell!)
5. I resolve to refill and repeat...the memory jar that is. I know I already said this but this time around everything goes in! Things that make us laugh, time with friends, films that make us laugh or cry, trips, plays, football wins...EVERYTHING!
6. I resolve to attempt more random acts of kindness even in the face of my Other Half who hates them just because we should do something and walking away breaks my heart.
7. I resolve to let my girls be sisters and accept that certain things come with that and that I can't control everything they do!
8. I also resolve to accept that I am probably going to tank at most, if not all, of these resolutions...especially number 7!!!!!
So Happy New Year everyone. Good luck to those making resolutions, hats off to those who manage not to and while we are sat by the log fire reliving our happy year in our holiday cottage what will you be doing to ring in the New Year?
Music to see in the New Year chosen by my new guru...Munchkin 1 (my eldest!!)
Just when you think it is safe to go back in the water the sharks come back out to play!
You drag yourself and your family through a rough time, see the light at the end of the tunnel and normality begin to descend again. Only to have the rug pulled from underneath once more. A little voice laughs at you and says 'nope we're not done messing with you yet deary.'
It's not like we haven't had a hard enough year already, but no now life wanted to have a pop directly at my little girl; take a nine year old child and strip away all her self-confidence and make her feel useless. All as a result of a few unkind words from those who would be her friends.
Of everything we have had to face this year I think that was by far the worst, watching the vivacious young girl we raised break down piece by piece in front of us. Just feeling completely helpless!
In the middle of fighting to build our munchkin back up into the confident and happy girl she was we randomly entered a competition to win tickets to see the Imagine Dragons, a band both of us love.
I had to be told twice when the e-mail came to say we had won tickets, not least because various other things had conspired to make us available on the night we had won the tickets for. And the look on her face was priceless when I told her she was going to get to see one of her favourite bands. This one thing has brought a smile to her face this week, it's given her something good to aim for. I have no idea what brought everything together so nicely but it is such amazing timing.
Life will keep knocking you down it seems, but every now and then the stars align....someone smiles down on you and things work out to give you a little miracle just when it is most needed.
So keep on getting up, keep on moving forward and don't miss the miracles!!
For now I'll leave you with Munchkin 1's favourite song and look forward to her first concert experience this evening.
Have you ever experienced one of those well timed little miracles before? Where all the stars seem to align just when you needed them to the most.
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