The last episode of my life I was battling with Anxiety and Depression and I almost thought I had it licked for a while...if not defeated, in chains and under my command. I had taken up running. (I'll just give anyone who actually knows me to process that thought for a moment. Yes the girl who never completed a cross country run at school started to run.) I worked up slowly until I eventually started to comfortably run 10km. It felt good; a place where I could switch off, or a place where I could process, a place to dream, or a place just to breath. Then things started to go a bit wrong. A fall but carried on running. Things didn't quite feel right though and a twinge in my back tured out to be a bulge in my spine. However that wasn't the causing the problem. My pain spread and a bone deep fatigue followed, plus other things much too boring to go into!
Fast forward six months and a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. Great, I figured, I know what this is I can handle this. I thought I had Accepted the condition and what it meant going forward to live with chronic pain. Oh boy how foolish was I!
So, here we are again. My body and mind kicking me in the ass and making even the simplest of tasks hard and yet again signed off work.
Not one to just say, 'okey dokey, switch over to Jeremy Kyle' (maybe there has been some Netflix and duvet time) I have been fairly proactive in trying to work out where I went wrong and how I managed to spiral so far so fast. Aside from generally not being nice to myself a common theme seems to be:
Accept this is you. Accept the help. Accept you can't do things the way you used to. Accept the feelings of guilt, fear and loathing are normal...but they don't have to define you.
Accept the elephant in the room. Take him on as the new family pet, he is going to take a lot of your energy whether you ignore him or train him.
And accepting that all that is easier said than done. At the end of it all we are fairly understanding of our loved ones and our friends. If they are struggling with something, if they are gay, if they suddenly dye their hair blue we accept them for who they are. We don't guilt trip them or barrage them with the insults that rage though our heads when its something that relates to us. Hell if I did I think I'd have been punched a few times by now! Why is it then that as humans we find it almost impossible to be as kind to ourselves as we are to our friends?
Love yourself as much as others and remember that life is to be enjoyed not avoided.
Before I go to try and practice what I am spouting I'll leave you with a song, and seeing as I will be going to see the Dragons in a couple of weeks one of their songs seems mighty fitting, it has to get easier....right?!
So hit me, how have y'all been? Did you miss me?