Wednesday, 1 May 2013

Hello Ma'am, this is your wake up call!

"But I don't recall requesting a wake up call??"

"No Ma'am this is one that Life thought you were over due!"

The phone is hung up and I sit for a while contemplating what was just said with what can only be described as a 'derp' face.

* Warning the following post is extremely self indulgent. A bunch of feelings that I have to get of my chest for my own sanity feel free to discontinue reading here!*

For those of you that know me or connect with me on various social media sites you will know I have been a little under the weather recently. Ok so pending abdominal surgery and a four week headache isn't your average common cold but there are other people worse than me!! This knowledge, however, has not stopped the inevitable mortality wake up call.

There are some things in life that make us realise we are only human; our bodies are built to fail, we have an expiration date - we just don't know when it is (would it be better if the date was stamped on our ass like a tin of beans?? A long debate I may come back to, at some point!)

Quick history of Sleepy Joe, I may have already written about this but can't remember how much detail I gave, any way....I was 6 when my Dad became ill, an inoperable brain tumour caused by some lymphoma type caner (I have never really asked for the technical details, at the time I was too young.) All I knew at the time was Dad was really poorly, he needed help dressing and with his meds, which nurse Sleepy was happy to assist with!! My parents didn't keep anything from me and that made it easier to deal with when two years later he passed on to a better place. Mum and I survived for a while and then thrived and I have an amazing family of my own now, our loss lingers and hurts from time to time but life goes on.

Back to the here and now; I have been eating painkillers like sweeties for four weeks (for the headache), all the standard things have been ruled out and I have graduated on to the big boy tests like CT scans etc... I have no doubt that there will be some kind of simple explanation for my headaches and associated dizziness / visual disturbance. In the meantime the human brain cannot help but think the worst, especially when I have had to stop doing most of the things I love and when there are some really close comparisons to be had, yeah stopping there!

In a couple of weeks when all the tests are done and all has settled in the head of Sleepy I will look back on these few weeks and be thankful. Why? Because it it has been my wake up call, I have realised what is important; it's not the things I do that make me happy, it's the people I share them with that elicit a smile.

The sun shining in the garden, working hard digging out weeds and helping things grow, yet it's that quick glance at my girls giggling that makes me happy. Watching a good film is nice, what makes it a truly great film is sharing it with my cousin or curling up with other half enjoying nibbles and laughing at the stupid parts. A walk in the woods or up on the moors is lovely, the ones I remember were in great company. Writing a great story means nothing if someone doesn't read it and enjoy it.

What ever happens I am dying; be it 10 years or 50 years (hopefully longer) it will happen one day. I don't know about you but I want to look back and say I did all I wanted to, I lived every minute and I didn't miss a moment of what is important. So if that means cutting back on time sapping activities to focus on my babies, if it means ignoring the ironing to write the story floating in my mind, so be it. I am alive now and there are so many experiences I have yet to have, so many things I want to share with my girls, maybe it's about time I write them down to makes sure nothing is missed! I will be thankful for this wake up call, it has made me wake up to what is really important to me.

I'm off to listen to some great music and write my bucket list. What's top of your list?

In the mean time please stick with me, I will post when I can but writing this one has done me in for today! Love you all and hope all is well what ever you are doing!

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