Breathe

Don't let go. Don't let go.

Under the duvet, curled in a ball holding her knees to her, hoping that would stop the hole inside bursting out of her chest and consuming her.

Breathe. Just breathe.

But what if she just stopped would any one care? Would anyone notice?

You'd think the hole inside would make it easier to fill her lungs, but it took effort, concentration. Pull your diaphragm down, raise your chest, drag the air inside and let it go. The air escaping from her lungs at speed as if even that doesn't want to stay any longer than it has to.

In, out, in, out.

Alone, so empty. Was it her, was she the reason no one stayed? She always thought she could make it alone, she had many times. People came into her life and left when they chose, each time it got a little harder to handle, but there was always one and now he was gone too.

In, out, in, out.

There was a reason to go on, a reason to breathe she just couldn't see it through the tears. Would the gushing river ever stop? It threatened to wash her face away, the torrent had already taken her smile, or was that already gone? The order of things was getting muddled.

In, out, in, out.

'Mummy' a voice called. It was distant, like a dream, or from a far away land that she no longer belonged to. As she drifted on this ocean the sweet sound came again, 'Mummy'. It was closer this time, a rope attached to her heart was pulling her to shore. She couldn't set foot on land again, she couldn't be there. She didn't know why only that it hurt to be there. She fought, she couldn't go back.

Gasp, in, out, in, out. Breathe, don't forget to breathe.

'Mummy' so loud now, so familiar. Am I the mummy? Is that who I am? A hand plunged into the ocean of duvet and grasped hold of her hand. It was small and smooth, it clung on as only a child can to a parents. Her head broke the surface, their beautiful eyes they belonged to him too. She remebered now, the pain and sorrow but also the need. She had to go on, for them for the little angels that saved her, their hands around hers and whispered in her ear.

'Don't let go. Don't let go. Just hold onto us.'