Your Shadow

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Looking at photos of me as a baby, seeing photos of you mixed in. Just your shadow remains. The spectre of who you were, of what we did together, of what we could have done. 

But even that is fading now, I really know so little about you. My connections to you are slipping away, like the sun sliding behind the hills. One day will I find my self not remembering you? One day will even your shadow be gone? For now I will keep shining the flood lights on your life and throwing your shadow across mine.

Will my life cast a shadow as far reaching as yours?

Just a quick one today while I'm exploring London. Thanks for these awesome prompts Leah!

Hello Ma'am, this is your wake up call!

"But I don't recall requesting a wake up call??"

"No Ma'am this is one that Life thought you were over due!"

The phone is hung up and I sit for a while contemplating what was just said with what can only be described as a 'derp' face.

* Warning the following post is extremely self indulgent. A bunch of feelings that I have to get of my chest for my own sanity feel free to discontinue reading here!*

For those of you that know me or connect with me on various social media sites you will know I have been a little under the weather recently. Ok so pending abdominal surgery and a four week headache isn't your average common cold but there are other people worse than me!! This knowledge, however, has not stopped the inevitable mortality wake up call.

There are some things in life that make us realise we are only human; our bodies are built to fail, we have an expiration date - we just don't know when it is (would it be better if the date was stamped on our ass like a tin of beans?? A long debate I may come back to, at some point!)

Quick history of Sleepy Joe, I may have already written about this but can't remember how much detail I gave, any way....I was 6 when my Dad became ill, an inoperable brain tumour caused by some lymphoma type caner (I have never really asked for the technical details, at the time I was too young.) All I knew at the time was Dad was really poorly, he needed help dressing and with his meds, which nurse Sleepy was happy to assist with!! My parents didn't keep anything from me and that made it easier to deal with when two years later he passed on to a better place. Mum and I survived for a while and then thrived and I have an amazing family of my own now, our loss lingers and hurts from time to time but life goes on.

Back to the here and now; I have been eating painkillers like sweeties for four weeks (for the headache), all the standard things have been ruled out and I have graduated on to the big boy tests like CT scans etc... I have no doubt that there will be some kind of simple explanation for my headaches and associated dizziness / visual disturbance. In the meantime the human brain cannot help but think the worst, especially when I have had to stop doing most of the things I love and when there are some really close comparisons to be had, yeah stopping there!

In a couple of weeks when all the tests are done and all has settled in the head of Sleepy I will look back on these few weeks and be thankful. Why? Because it it has been my wake up call, I have realised what is important; it's not the things I do that make me happy, it's the people I share them with that elicit a smile.

The sun shining in the garden, working hard digging out weeds and helping things grow, yet it's that quick glance at my girls giggling that makes me happy. Watching a good film is nice, what makes it a truly great film is sharing it with my cousin or curling up with other half enjoying nibbles and laughing at the stupid parts. A walk in the woods or up on the moors is lovely, the ones I remember were in great company. Writing a great story means nothing if someone doesn't read it and enjoy it.

What ever happens I am dying; be it 10 years or 50 years (hopefully longer) it will happen one day. I don't know about you but I want to look back and say I did all I wanted to, I lived every minute and I didn't miss a moment of what is important. So if that means cutting back on time sapping activities to focus on my babies, if it means ignoring the ironing to write the story floating in my mind, so be it. I am alive now and there are so many experiences I have yet to have, so many things I want to share with my girls, maybe it's about time I write them down to makes sure nothing is missed! I will be thankful for this wake up call, it has made me wake up to what is really important to me.

I'm off to listen to some great music and write my bucket list. What's top of your list?

In the mean time please stick with me, I will post when I can but writing this one has done me in for today! Love you all and hope all is well what ever you are doing!

Day 17 NaBloPoMo December - Monday Moments

As I fully intend to be out enjoying life tonight with friends and will not have time to share any Monday Moments with you I hope you enjoy this pre-recorded message instead.

The other week I was awarded a Liebster Blog Award which I then awarded to Deb at Kicking Corners. She has opened up her questions to anyone and seeing as the are cool questions I thought I would answer them....on one condition. You see Deb cheated a little, well more bent the rules and didn't give up 11 facts about herself, she only posted one. So for answering the questions I want one more Deb fact (I know you all do too) and obviously 1 + 1 + 11 so she'll be all square in terms of the rules ;-)

My imaginary conversation with Deb:

Deb - Can I ask you a question?
Me - Sure, you can ask me anything!
Deb - Ok if you're sure:

1. What's a quote you either very much agree or disagree with? Why?

Roald Dahl "those who don't believe in magic will never find it"

 

The years I was mistaken and thought a certain jolly man of a Christmassy disposition didn't exist were among the more boring years I can remember. Now I have come to my senses and can truly say I believe ion Santa the magic of Christmas has returned!

 

2. Do you like kids? Why or why not?

 

 

 

 

 

I love kids, because they are so innocent and receptive and joyous.

3. What's your favorite part of the winter holiday season? Why?

 

 

 

 

That moment just between when you and the kids wake up on Christmas Day morning before you check to see if Santa has been.

4. What are your thoughts about the goddess Bast?

 

Catty, I'm not sure we'd get on. I'm more of a dog person.

5. Did/do you have a favorite childhood cartoon? Why or why not?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Inspector Gadget, because those arms would come in really handy!

6. What does this bring to mind: "Double the pleasure, double the fun..."?

 

 

 

Hmmm, not sure my initial thought is broadcasteable. Needless to say it was slightly juvenile and made me giggle ;-)

7. Do you prefer to drink your favorite beverage from a bottle or glass?

 

 

 

 

Glass, unless it's a Corona!!

8. What is a memory you have where a kite was somehow involved?

 

 

My Mum, myself and a friend went up on my favourite hill (Pendle, well more the nick of Pendle), it was a particularly windy day and we went to fly some amazing kites we got in America (my visit to California aged 8). Anyway my friend was quite petite and was literally pulled down the hill and at one point lifted off the ground. We all ended up falling about laughing trying to pin her down whilst my Mum pulled the kite in.

9. Do you get moody when you're hungry?

 

Yes, very!! I also get grumpy when I don't eat what I want to be eating!

10. What are five small-ish objects closest to you?

 

 

My phone (think I need to have it surgically removed sometimes), a box of Christmas cards (yet to write, oopps), a Lindor chocolate (it is Christmas), the TV remote (because I'm a lazy ass), My notepad (another one that need surgically removing!)

 

11. What is a random detail that sticks out in your mind about a significant event in your life?

 

 

 

 

On one period of hospitalisation that my Dad's illness was peppered with my Mum and I had made an effort to get dressed up for my Dad. She had bought me a pair of high heeled shoes just like hers and I felt so grown up. I clearly remember the sound of our heels clicking down the silent corridor with that nervous feeling in my stomach wondering how he would be today, hoping we wouldn't get there and his bed be empty (that thought scared the hell out of me on every visit).

 

Wow I haven't thought about that in a long time!!!!

 

Sorry I can't leave the post on that note so you can have one more fact about me:

 

In textual types of messages I will keep replying in order to continue the conversation with you for as long as possible, just because it makes me feel a little closer to you.

 

Ok Deb, over to you. One more fact ;-)

 

 

 

200 Tuesdays - My Dad

When fathers day comes around it naturally brings up memories of my Dad, already written about here.

As I am currently short on time, as is usual at the moment, here is a poem inspired by my Dad.

We're Ok

What would I be if you were still here

If I never had to shed a tear

Many more nights of playing with my hair

Or whispering goodnight as we climb the stair

How many more lives would you have saved

Instead you had to endure and be brave

We lost you little by little for a while

We grew to be strong and survive in style

Your passing led me to the right place

to see my husbands beautiful face

Two gorgeous girls now of my own

I hope to never leave them alone

Our memories I still hold dear

Though you are no longer near

We are happy now in all we do

Though every day we still miss you

Tagled Lou has also recently been writing about her Father here in a beautifully written piece about his passing, I urge you to take a look.

Random Thursdays - Letters in the Aether

Do you know, for a change, my life has been a lot less random this week! In fact there has been quite a theme to it. The same things popping up every day, the same thoughts circling the drain in my mind. Even my generic mp3 player and the radio were conspiring to provide a sound track to this very singular week. With songs all on the same theme, laughing at me when I just want to sing wildly in the car as a means to forget!

I haven't liked it! Randomness is my life, it's what I know, suddenly I find myself occupied to the point of disraction and sleeplessness, over just one thing. I have to say it has thrown me. Unfortunately, this thing (strawberries for the purposes of the rest of this post) was not something I could discuss with anyone. Almost like a bowl of sour strawberries served to you at your mother in laws, with no spoonful of sugar to help them go down, you just have to grin and chew through each difficult mouthful until the whole bowl has gone. Pretend that they are the best thing you have ever tasted, there is nothng out of the ordinary with them at all. All the while, your stomach is churning and your thoughts are over ruled to the point of distraction from the polite table conversation that you are supposed to be following.

This had to stop, enough is enough, I want my randomness back! It was than that I had a light bulb moment. Back in my youth, which seems a really long time ago now, during periods of  serious teenage angst I used to write letters to the aether. Letters that I would pour my heart and soul into but would never see the light of another humans eyes.

Some I addressed to my Dad, I would ask him things that I felt only a Dad could answer, I would tell him what my day had been like. I would simply get the things that needed to be said off my chest, but for some reason was unable to formulate the words to express verbally.

Others were to the boys I 'loved' (read - stupid teenage infatuation), of course I never spoke to them directly, but in these letters I would profess my undying love to them and then destroy it. Well you wouldn't want it falling into the wrong hands now, I mean the person it was addressed to might read it for crying out loud. My preference was to burn them, a bit like the flame of a birthday candle, carrying my dreams and desires off to be made reality. Then the next week I would write a whole new one to the next boy and so on and so forth!

view original here

So this week, for the first time in a very very long time, I wrote a cathartic letter. It will more than likely never see the light of day, but it felt good to describe my strawberries in such  minute detail. To spell out what I wanted from my strawberries; the firm flesh as it gives way to my teeth, the warm juice as it runs onto my lips and the sweet smell as I slowly chew to savour the flavour. A whole bowl of sweet strawberries, fresh from the feild in summer. To pause on the thought of the next bowl, the pleasure of picking them fresh with the warm summer sun on my back, the sound of the flies and bees as they buzz from flower to flower.  It felt good to describe it all. Whether it will help me sleep any better is yet to be seen, but I sure hope so!

view original here

Have you ever written a letter like this? Did you keep them, did you destroy them or did you send them? How did it work out if you sent them?

One Love First Love

Over at Periphery Tangled Lou has been asking for us to blog about our first love, so I thought I would give you an extra little treat with a mid week post. I know I should be writing, or at the very least researching my work in progress, but I am easily distracted!

I have posted a few times about love here or here and given that both mentioned my husband, who is also my first and only love, I guess they apply here too.

Meeting my other half was not the happiest time of my life. I was 8, my father was ill and we had just moved to a bungalow because of his mobility issues, which also meant having to give our dog, Suzy, away. Another family moved into the house opposite us about a month after we moved onto the street.

A family of six; Mother, Father, two boys and two girls. I had a new friend in the youngest child (eventually my sister in law) and quite frankly the boys were just annoying! As time went on, after my Fathers passing,  our mothers became friends and we started spending time at their house. It turns out that the oldest boy wasn't actually that bad! We spent time watching telly in his bedroom and generally hanging out.

Eventually teenage years hit and one evening on a stolen moment, without parental units around, he kissed me. Time stood still, I had dreamed of this moment for what seemed like an eternity and now his lips were on mine. It was a nervous kiss and probably shorter than it felt, but I will always remember how he smelt, the arm of the sofa that I was perching on at the time and how my heart felt like it was about to leap out of my chest.

Our relationship didn't get off the ground for some time. To cut a very long and involved story short he is 4 and a half years older than me, which at 14 and 19 seems like a huge gap. For me there was a couple of two week relationships thrown into the gaps created by our flings but eventually we took the plunge and made what we had public, never looking back.

A full and beautiful sixteen years later I still remember standing in the kitchen waiting for him to get home from work just to catch a glimpse, heart pounding. I still remember the taste of that first kiss.

Without you

Yesterday I wrote a a little about my childhood and my Father's battle with cancer. Here is the poem inspired by my feelings:

What would I be if you were still here

If I never had to shed a tear

Many more nights of playing with my hair

Or whispering goodnight as we climb the stair

How many more lives would you have saved

Instead you had to endure and be brave

We lost you little by little for a while

We grew to be strong and survive in style

Your passing led me to the right place

to see my husbands beautiful face

Two gorgeous girls now of my own

I hope to never leave them alone

Our memories I still hold dear

Though you are no longer near

We are happy now in all we do

Though every day we still miss you

Hope you like it.

Episode 1

Ok, so last time out was some of my writing, here goes the abridged history of me:
My first real memories, the ones that aren't feelings attached to photos, are of when I was 6/7/8. My Dad was ill and I remember the trips with my Mum to the hospital at Preston, stopping and the Little Chef on route. When you tell people that your Father died when you were 8, their face drops and the response is always 'oh how sad'. I have to say I don't remember that time as being sad. Of course their were moments, and living my life without him there have been times I have missed him dearly. But most of the things I remember make me smile; the auxiliary nurse at Preston that took me under her wing and let me help send the laundry down the shoot, probably to give my Mum some time with Dad but I felt so important with my nurses hat and helping out! Roy and Ann (Roy a patient on the same ward and Ann his wife) from St Ann's, who in the later stages of Dads illness took me in from time to time. I don't recall why but I remember having fun there.
My over riding thoughts looking back on this time are how many sacrifices my Mum had to make, I only realised recently, when I turned 30 (cough, cough), that my Mum would have been my age whilst dealing with loosing my Dad piece by piece and trying to raise me at the same time. I can't wrap my head around how hard it must have been for her; sleeping on cushions on the living room floor when Dad's hospital bed at home was downstairs and he was having a bad time, having to deal with the normal routine of school etc... and hospital visits!
I can't look back on loosing my Dad with sadness (well maybe sometimes), I really don't think I would have the relationship with my Mum if he had still been around. Also near to the end, a matter of months before cancer claimed my Dad, we moved house to a bungalow, as he could no longer manage the stairs at all. As it happened he went in to hospital not long after we moved and never came home again. A month after we moved in a family moved in to the house across the road and there I met my husband for the first time, apparently we didn't get along then, how things change!!!
If Dad hadn't fallen ill I may not have been best friends with my Mum growing up and would never have met my Husband. Life throws many things at us and if we are to carry on we must find the silver lining!