Reader, writer, music lover, library nerd, mother and wife. I have big dreams with little time and no funds to pull them off. Join me as I try to dream my way through adulthood.
'Get busy living or get busy dying' Stephen King
Well it's been a while. Um, two years, oops. A lot can happen in two years.
The last episode of my life I was battling with Anxiety and Depression and I almost thought I had it licked for a while...if not defeated, in chains and under my command. I had taken up running. (I'll just give anyone who actually knows me to process that thought for a moment. Yes the girl who never completed a cross country run at school started to run.) I worked up slowly until I eventually started to comfortably run 10km. It felt good; a place where I could switch off, or a place where I could process, a place to dream, or a place just to breath. Then things started to go a bit wrong. A fall but carried on running. Things didn't quite feel right though and a twinge in my back tured out to be a bulge in my spine. However that wasn't the causing the problem. My pain spread and a bone deep fatigue followed, plus other things much too boring to go into!
Fast forward six months and a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. Great, I figured, I know what this is I can handle this. I thought I had Accepted the condition and what it meant going forward to live with chronic pain. Oh boy how foolish was I!
So, here we are again. My body and mind kicking me in the ass and making even the simplest of tasks hard and yet again signed off work.
Not one to just say, 'okey dokey, switch over to Jeremy Kyle' (maybe there has been some Netflix and duvet time) I have been fairly proactive in trying to work out where I went wrong and how I managed to spiral so far so fast. Aside from generally not being nice to myself a common theme seems to be:
Accept this is you. Accept the help. Accept you can't do things the way you used to. Accept the feelings of guilt, fear and loathing are normal...but they don't have to define you.
Accept the elephant in the room. Take him on as the new family pet, he is going to take a lot of your energy whether you ignore him or train him.
And accepting that all that is easier said than done. At the end of it all we are fairly understanding of our loved ones and our friends. If they are struggling with something, if they are gay, if they suddenly dye their hair blue we accept them for who they are. We don't guilt trip them or barrage them with the insults that rage though our heads when its something that relates to us. Hell if I did I think I'd have been punched a few times by now! Why is it then that as humans we find it almost impossible to be as kind to ourselves as we are to our friends?
Love yourself as much as others and remember that life is to be enjoyed not avoided.
Before I go to try and practice what I am spouting I'll leave you with a song, and seeing as I will be going to see the Dragons in a couple of weeks one of their songs seems mighty fitting, it has to get easier....right?!
I have tried to write a post...this post...and then just any post, countless times over the last few months. So many of them I approached the subject sideways, with analogies and metaphors. Once I even used a sports metaphor complete with curve balls and getting hit straight on. The thing is none of them seemed to get across what I wanted to say, none of them conveyed what I was feeling. I kept hoping that writing would help me work through things, but every time I started it got more and more knotted up. In the end I had to step away for a while. Things are a little better now, so now is the time to get back on the horse, maybe this time without too many metaphors though, and add in this most recent chapter in the life of Sleepy Joe.
About three months ago I ended up off work having been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and getting to the point I could no longer cope with daily life. In all honesty it had been building up for a while; stress on stress on stress plus some changes and uncertainty equals the last straw on the camels back (see I can't help myself) and I broke. There were tears enough to fill an ocean and guilt like I have never felt because surely I was letting the world down if I stopped for a moment. But more, I was lost. I had no idea who idea who I was anymore.
I once thought of myself as strong and capable woman but I found myself scared and a wreck just going into a supermarket. There were days where I couldn't face leaving the house or answering the phone and the thought of going to work terrified me. I felt like a failure, like some weak thing that could no longer cope (sometimes I still do) and I think that horrified me even more. And tired, so so tired. Every day was (and sometimes is) a battle with my mind over which voice would win; the one telling me not to do something because I would get it wrong or the one telling me what a failure I was because I'd already messed up.
The first few panic attacks had scared me and my Other Half had seen me withdrawing so he 'encouraged' me to seek help and by the time I broke completely I had worked my way up the list for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It sounds weird but I think the best way I can describe it is a healthy eating package for your mental health. The fabulous lady I have been seeing over twelve or so weeks has helped me to look at all the unhealthy ways I think about things, in particular with regard to my anxiety and panic attacks. She has helped me see that life is not black OR white - control OR out of control - strong OR weak. I have come to realise I don't hold others to the same standards I was holding myself to "be perfect or you've failed" "be in control or you're weak". It's a cliche but I now understand why I am the way I am, what experiences from my past have shaped me and reinforced my beliefs to mean I got stuck in a cycle of panic because at the end of the day being anxious sometimes is a normal human response, getting stuck in those feelings probably isn't so helpful.
I have made peace with the fact I am always going to feel like this; I am going to have low moments, I am going to over analyse, I will probably beat myself up about things that I cannot control, and I will probably panic. The difference now? I know how to handle it, it won't handle me!
When I started the therapy one of my goals was "to feel like me again" and it's strange because I don't feel like the me I used to be. I don't think that I will ever be that me again. For quite a while I have identified with a song (pinned in below) and a line in it says, "If I recover will you take me back again." I thought all this time that I needed to 'get well' and get back to being what I was because I was ill. I have come to realise now that yes anxiety and depression, like other mental health issues/illnesses, are illnesses. They are diseases of the mind. But they are ones from which you never fully recover, you just learn how to handle it, how to live a more mentally healthy life. I will never be that me again because that me never ran a day in her life, this me runs three times a week to get head space and stay calm/sane. I will never be that me because that me tried to write a journal every day but could never quite maintain it, this me has to to clear out the mental baggage and to see her achievements on a daily basis. There will be more differences because I'm still a little lost trying to figure out who I am in all this but I'll get there.
None of us have any issue talking about our latest healthy lifestyle craze do we?! Healthy eating; #leanin15, juices or 5:2 Fitness; spinning, burpees or the latest gym membership. Why then can we not feel free to chat about our mental health too? Why does that have to break down before we decide to take our mental well being for a healthy spin? One of my biggest fears at the peak of my problems was the social response I would get to having a panic attack in public. That people would think I was weak/stupid/silly, that I just needed to pull myself together when in fact I had little control over it at that point. And I know I am not the only person with fears of this nature. Would it be like this if we talked about it a bit more? If we talked Sinceriously.
From the Stephen Amell Represent campaign see here
I feel lucky. I have my family; my Other Half and my Munchkins and although it's been hard I have not seen the bottom, I know I didn't get that low and help was there when I needed it. There are people not so fortunate and that's where we fail as a society to look after each other.
Finally in the words of Jared Padalecki, who has openly spoken about his fight with depression,
I have lost count on how many times I've tried to start this post. But then it is never that easy to admit that something is not quite right with yourself. Though I don't understand why. I guess it comes from the social construct that we must all be "normal" and "perfect". I find this really irritating. One, who the heck can ever live up to those nondescript standards? And two it makes it really difficult for people with serious illnesses that need help to seek it for fear of the stigma that they will attract.
Mind, a charity that deals with mental heath issues in the UK, has had a campaign recently encouraging people to take five minutes to talk. It can be talking openly about mental health issues or just generally getting things off your chest because doing so is a bit like going to the gym for your mental health. If you don't currently have any problems you are making sure you have a fighting chance in the future just by having a chat, now that sounds like a work out I can handle!
Now, me? I don't suffer any mental health issues as such. I am most certainly a bit weird and not all there sometimes but nothing diagnosable...at least not that I know of. How I feel it's not claustrophobia because I don't struggle in lifts and small spaces, however if I spend too long confined in one building I become agitated. I have a need to be out...doing...being elsewhere. I have no idea if there is a term for this, to me it's just another little way I am weird.
Just recently though I have discovered that it goes a little further. It is not only if I am in the same building for any length of time, which can be a couple of days to a few hours, this weirdness seems to extend to getting stuck in the same routine/rut. I found that I was getting agitated more easily, but also tired quicker my interest in things was slipping away too.
I listened to a new album (track off said album coming up) this week and for the first time in ages I felt alive, I felt ready to go face what the world had for me and I wanted more. I realised that what drives me out of the house isn't just the need to be out it is the need for new and different. The easiest way for me to achieve this is to take a trip to the closest city and wander round for a couple of hours, it's a quick fix. When I was young and lived at home I used to move my bedroom round on a regular basis so that the furniture was in a different orientation. Only now after all this time am I discovering that there are other ways to alleviate the symptoms, or even keep the feelings at bay completely with a constant stream of new!
So I guess the key to staying happy, sane and motivated is to get up, get out and fill my life with new things (that don't take up precious writing time). Best learn to juggle then!
I try most days to face them, as I'm sure most of us do, but lately I find myself escaping into various fantasy worlds. Absorbing the words of other authors, book after book every spare moment just to escape. Avoid the housework, sidestep those nagging demons that weigh inside.
Today was a day I set out to face them, and I failed miserably again. I gave one particularly ugly looking and abusive demon a sideways glance but then ran in the opposite direction. His weaker brother I managed to face. I kicked him in the goolies and even though he distracted me from the sidelines a blog post was written, not as eloquently as I would have liked but a seemingly insurmountable hurdle at one point was overcome. I wonder though how long it will be before he is back to full strength?
One demon though shocked me with the ferocity of it's attack. A once caged and bound beast that broke free of its bonds to strike today, knocking me flat and pinning me to the floor. The only problem being, this demon is one I really don't mind pinning me to the floor even though I know in my heart of hearts its truly no good for me.
I need to remember the days when I dreamt of being a Slayer, defeating the things that haunted me. Back then things were simple, back then I wasn't fighting myself!
How do you fight your inner demons? Can you ever free yourself of them or does another rise as fast as you cut one down?
I have been thinking about music a lot lately. It has such a key role in my life (like you'd never guess from my posts) that when I had a conversation with my Other Half a few weeks ago and it turns out that music doesn't really affect him that much, it really shocked me. I don't know why it did, I mean obviously not everyone has the same interests but the fact he didn't even have a go to song when he needed a pick me up...I just couldn't comprehend that!
Music means so many different things to me, I can't understand the 'it's just something to listen to' mentality. I'm sorry if you fall into this category, if the lyrics float over your head and never really connect with your emotions or the thumping bass has never caught in your chest making you feel the beat in your core. No truly I am really sorry because to me music is something that can calm me, it can pick me up, it can move me to tears as easily as it can make me smile and if it doesn't affect you in any of these ways I don't know what to say. I'll just try to sum it up as best I can the only way I can.
For me it's the songs that you cried to as a teenager or the anthem you pumped out to make you feel stronger.
My Anthem!
The songs filled with memories; the ones from our wedding, the song that was playing when munchkin number two was born (there were too many drugs involved with munchkin one to be totally sure!)
Munchkin number two's arrival
Lyrics that mark the end of an era and the start of a new one, packed with memories of someone I miss tonnes.
I was exactly where I needed to be!
Would I have made it through last year without a group of amazing friends who helped me when time were tough? Probably not, and you guessed it there is a song for that too. Every time it comes on I think of them and how grateful I am they are in my life, every time one of us is in need we are there for each other...we're not brothers we are sisters but the sentiment is the same!
Because sometimes we need reminding we are not alone!
Then there is the album that will forever be linked to munchkin one and her first rock concert. The moments and the songs that we shared that will be brought back every time those songs are played. The look of awe and amazement on her face, the huge balloons, the shock form those around us that a kid, a girl at that, could like music like this. I'll admit that I was in my 20's before I got to a decent concert and in my 30's before I got the feeling of being shoulder to shoulder bouncing to the beat and getting lost in the music along with those around you. I am glad my children will have had a chance at that sooner, it is one of the best experiences in the world.
Not my favourite on the album but the first song played so special memories!
Finally there is the huge role that music plays in my writing, even my reading to a certain extent - as my writing group can tell you I have been know to attach songs or even playlists to characters or story/books that I have read....I make no apologies for what my brain does in it's spare time! I have said before that I am very visual with writing and pictures lead to inspiration, well the same can be said of music too. Songs and lyrics lead to characters, scenes, plot twists and lines of poetry even at the most inconvenient moment half way down the motorway!
What is music to me? My memories, my characters, my friends, my tears and my escape. I went to a 30 Seconds to Mars concert in November which was great, but I'm telling you because at it Jared Leto dedicated a song at one point to anyone who had ever used music or been to a gig as a way to escape. It will make sense when you listen to this last song that I am going to leave you with, it is one of my favourites of the moment....no matter what Get Back Up!!!
So while you listen to this one, what is music to you?
Just when you think it is safe to go back in the water the sharks come back out to play!
You drag yourself and your family through a rough time, see the light at the end of the tunnel and normality begin to descend again. Only to have the rug pulled from underneath once more. A little voice laughs at you and says 'nope we're not done messing with you yet deary.'
It's not like we haven't had a hard enough year already, but no now life wanted to have a pop directly at my little girl; take a nine year old child and strip away all her self-confidence and make her feel useless. All as a result of a few unkind words from those who would be her friends.
Of everything we have had to face this year I think that was by far the worst, watching the vivacious young girl we raised break down piece by piece in front of us. Just feeling completely helpless!
In the middle of fighting to build our munchkin back up into the confident and happy girl she was we randomly entered a competition to win tickets to see the Imagine Dragons, a band both of us love.
I had to be told twice when the e-mail came to say we had won tickets, not least because various other things had conspired to make us available on the night we had won the tickets for. And the look on her face was priceless when I told her she was going to get to see one of her favourite bands. This one thing has brought a smile to her face this week, it's given her something good to aim for. I have no idea what brought everything together so nicely but it is such amazing timing.
Life will keep knocking you down it seems, but every now and then the stars align....someone smiles down on you and things work out to give you a little miracle just when it is most needed.
So keep on getting up, keep on moving forward and don't miss the miracles!!
For now I'll leave you with Munchkin 1's favourite song and look forward to her first concert experience this evening.
Have you ever experienced one of those well timed little miracles before? Where all the stars seem to align just when you needed them to the most.
I kind of feel like a stranger walking into a dusty old house. You know the kind; it feels really familiar as you climb the wooden steps to the front door, the creak for each slow and careful step you take never taking your eyes from the peeling duck egg paint on the door. Your breathing deep and heavy is the only thing you can hear as you reach for the cold brass of the door knob, drawing you to it with some unexplainable force. Your fingers barely touch the pitted metal when the door pops open and groans on the dusty dark hall way...
"Hello, is there anyone there" you call out. You realise then you know this place, you loved this place once when it was full of words and friends. But you have been gone so long you aren't sure it can be the same again. There is no answer straight away, but that is ok the fear in the pit of your stomach has gone. This is your house, it just needs some tlc; a broom and a lick of paint, maybe a party with some cupcakes!!
So, I have been gone a while. I haven't blogged, I haven't read any blogs. What have I been doing you ask?? Um well, lets see. I have written a little; you know the ambitions I mentioned last time, the ones I was running head long at? I had this idea in my head that I might dive gracefully into them. Well I maybe bounced off them a little (think a big pile of jelly), but I have started my book, I have my idea and a couple of chapters as a start of my first draft, they will have to be re-written very soon but it's a start.
Other than that I have been doing a lot of reading, mainly because that is pretty much all you can do in bed. The last six weeks have seen me in and out of hospital like a yo-yo and books have been my refuge. Those and some amazing friends who have spent way too many hours on facebook and twitter keeping me sane!! It seems a bit pathetic that since the beginning of July I don't have more to report but I really don't, I guess that's why I haven't been blogging much; hospital food, an operation and the odd book really aren't that interesting!
I will say if you fancy a good read check out Marissa Meyer - Cinder and Laini Taylor - Daughter of Smoke and Bone.
Hopefully I will find time to get on here to blog a little more regularly, in the meantime be safe ;-)
A little taster of my latest musical obsession the Lost-who?!?! ;-) If you haven't heard of Imagine Dragons go listen to them now, this is my favourite song!!
Oh I nearly forgot, I did manage to submit a postcard short story that will hopefully be in an exhibition in October locally and then after that in India, I will keep you posted ;-)
