Tears etched on my cheeks
You're tattooed on my heart
Always immortal in my soul
Showing posts with label Loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Loss. Show all posts
Monday, 23 February 2015
Monday, 9 September 2013
Lost in the fire
So another post, the second in a couple of days, aren't you lucky! No seriously, my brain seems to have re-booted following my down time which is good and today I started to think about how to get my body back on-line.
I've started by dragging my sorry ass out of bed before lunch and getting dressed. Planning on three square meals a day sounds like a solid plan to back that up too. Next some simple chores and maybe even a daily walk could be in order, but lets take this one step at a time! I've had my hair done, tamed my eyebrows and generally dragging my body back into some reasonable female looking form...now all I need is to get back into my car and get my freedom back! All sounds so simple doesn't it, now if I could only get my legs to stop shaking after a few minutes stood up that would be great.
Listening to this song and making my get better plans I realised something though, I've changed. Not just changed as I mentioned in my deep and meaningful's before really being knocked off my feet, not the 'feeling lucky I'm alive' kind of changed (which I do, don't get me wrong). There has been a fire and its taken parts of me with it, parts of me I hadn't considered I would ever lose. I'd thought they were just me, those traits you can't change, well it turns out you can.
I mean sure, I've had surgery to remove a non-essential organ so I knew I was going to lose that and my appetite went so sure I lost some weight too. But the one to shock me has been the loss of my willingness to want to do everything, to please everyone. For a long, long time I have said 'yes' to everyone and everything. I have taken on so much; work-wise, volunteer-wise, all-sorts. Now my mindset has changed and although doing all those things was great it is time to concentrate on me, my family and the things that are truly important. Does this sound a little harsh? Probably! (and this is another loss to shock me) Do I care? No!
Sometimes there has to be a fire to clear the way for new life!
I've started by dragging my sorry ass out of bed before lunch and getting dressed. Planning on three square meals a day sounds like a solid plan to back that up too. Next some simple chores and maybe even a daily walk could be in order, but lets take this one step at a time! I've had my hair done, tamed my eyebrows and generally dragging my body back into some reasonable female looking form...now all I need is to get back into my car and get my freedom back! All sounds so simple doesn't it, now if I could only get my legs to stop shaking after a few minutes stood up that would be great.
Listening to this song and making my get better plans I realised something though, I've changed. Not just changed as I mentioned in my deep and meaningful's before really being knocked off my feet, not the 'feeling lucky I'm alive' kind of changed (which I do, don't get me wrong). There has been a fire and its taken parts of me with it, parts of me I hadn't considered I would ever lose. I'd thought they were just me, those traits you can't change, well it turns out you can.
I mean sure, I've had surgery to remove a non-essential organ so I knew I was going to lose that and my appetite went so sure I lost some weight too. But the one to shock me has been the loss of my willingness to want to do everything, to please everyone. For a long, long time I have said 'yes' to everyone and everything. I have taken on so much; work-wise, volunteer-wise, all-sorts. Now my mindset has changed and although doing all those things was great it is time to concentrate on me, my family and the things that are truly important. Does this sound a little harsh? Probably! (and this is another loss to shock me) Do I care? No!
Sometimes there has to be a fire to clear the way for new life!
view original here
So come on guys, catch me up. Have you lost anything to shock you recently, or has it just been your keys? What is everyone up to? Are you listening to any new tunes? I've missed you all tonnes!!
Sunday, 2 September 2012
Breathe
Don't let go. Don't let go.
Under the duvet, curled in a ball holding her knees to her, hoping that would stop the hole inside bursting out of her chest and consuming her.
Breathe. Just breathe.
But what if she just stopped would any one care? Would anyone notice?
You'd think the hole inside would make it easier to fill her lungs, but it took effort, concentration. Pull your diaphragm down, raise your chest, drag the air inside and let it go. The air escaping from her lungs at speed as if even that doesn't want to stay any longer than it has to.
In, out, in, out.
Alone, so empty. Was it her, was she the reason no one stayed? She always thought she could make it alone, she had many times. People came into her life and left when they chose, each time it got a little harder to handle, but there was always one and now he was gone too.
In, out, in, out.
There was a reason to go on, a reason to breathe she just couldn't see it through the tears. Would the gushing river ever stop? It threatened to wash her face away, the torrent had already taken her smile, or was that already gone? The order of things was getting muddled.
In, out, in, out.
'Mummy' a voice called. It was distant, like a dream, or from a far away land that she no longer belonged to. As she drifted on this ocean the sweet sound came again, 'Mummy'. It was closer this time, a rope attached to her heart was pulling her to shore. She couldn't set foot on land again, she couldn't be there. She didn't know why only that it hurt to be there. She fought, she couldn't go back.
Gasp, in, out, in, out. Breathe, don't forget to breathe.
'Mummy' so loud now, so familiar. Am I the mummy? Is that who I am? A hand plunged into the ocean of duvet and grasped hold of her hand. It was small and smooth, it clung on as only a child can to a parents. Her head broke the surface, their beautiful eyes they belonged to him too. She remebered now, the pain and sorrow but also the need. She had to go on, for them for the little angels that saved her, their hands around hers and whispered in her ear.
'Don't let go. Don't let go. Just hold onto us.'
Under the duvet, curled in a ball holding her knees to her, hoping that would stop the hole inside bursting out of her chest and consuming her.
Breathe. Just breathe.
But what if she just stopped would any one care? Would anyone notice?
You'd think the hole inside would make it easier to fill her lungs, but it took effort, concentration. Pull your diaphragm down, raise your chest, drag the air inside and let it go. The air escaping from her lungs at speed as if even that doesn't want to stay any longer than it has to.
In, out, in, out.
Alone, so empty. Was it her, was she the reason no one stayed? She always thought she could make it alone, she had many times. People came into her life and left when they chose, each time it got a little harder to handle, but there was always one and now he was gone too.
In, out, in, out.
There was a reason to go on, a reason to breathe she just couldn't see it through the tears. Would the gushing river ever stop? It threatened to wash her face away, the torrent had already taken her smile, or was that already gone? The order of things was getting muddled.
In, out, in, out.
'Mummy' a voice called. It was distant, like a dream, or from a far away land that she no longer belonged to. As she drifted on this ocean the sweet sound came again, 'Mummy'. It was closer this time, a rope attached to her heart was pulling her to shore. She couldn't set foot on land again, she couldn't be there. She didn't know why only that it hurt to be there. She fought, she couldn't go back.
Gasp, in, out, in, out. Breathe, don't forget to breathe.
'Mummy' so loud now, so familiar. Am I the mummy? Is that who I am? A hand plunged into the ocean of duvet and grasped hold of her hand. It was small and smooth, it clung on as only a child can to a parents. Her head broke the surface, their beautiful eyes they belonged to him too. She remebered now, the pain and sorrow but also the need. She had to go on, for them for the little angels that saved her, their hands around hers and whispered in her ear.
'Don't let go. Don't let go. Just hold onto us.'
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